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Obituaries · in memoriam

Google Optimize

Google Optimize, beloved A/B testing tool of the small and the scrappy, died on September 30, 2023, of strategic misalignment. It was eleven years old.

Optimize is survived by hundreds of thousands of orphaned experiments, an unknown number of testing programs that quietly stopped existing, and a market of replacements priced like a second engineering hire.

It was not perfect. Its statistics were a black box. It flickered. It capped you at five experiments and shrugged. But it was there, it was free, and an entire generation of marketers learned to test because it existed. Then its parent company — market cap in the trillions — looked at the tool that taught the internet to experiment and saw a line item.

The stated cause of death was that it “did not have many of the features and services that customers request.” The features were requested. The customers were there. What wasn’t there was a reason for a trillion-dollar advertising company to care.

No migration path was provided at first. The endorsed alternatives began around $10,000 a year.

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you never again build your team’s institutional memory on a product that can be deleted by someone who has never heard of you.

And now the part where we stop mourning.

We built Splitmill because the wrong lesson won.

The lesson people took from the sunset was “free tools die — pay an enterprise vendor.” So the orphans either paid the ransom or stopped testing. And the tools they fled to kept the industry’s oldest bad habit: dashboards designed to be peeked at daily and tripped like slot machines, statistics that assume you looked once, “winners” declared by engines nobody can inspect.

The right lesson was different: the tool must be honest, and the tool must be yours.

So, our vows. Not values — mechanisms. Values are what a company says; mechanisms are what its software physically refuses to do:

  1. 01

    We will never let you move the goalposts.

    The analysis plan seals at start — hash-stamped.

    Sealed
  2. 02

    We will never punish you for looking.

    The intervals are anytime-valid. Stare at them like a fish tank.

    Anytime-valid
  3. 03

    We will never hand you a verdict from broken data.

    SRM locks the decision panel. Locked means locked.

    Blocked · SRM
  4. 04

    We will never let a guardrail die in silence.

    Skipping one leaves a signed note behind.

    Waiver
  5. 05

    We will never sell you a test your traffic can't support.

    Red means we tell you, and tell you what works instead.

    Advisor: red
  6. 06

    We will never hold your history hostage.

    Self-host everything. First-party endpoint. Your data outlives us.

    Self-hosted

That’s the whole company. An A/B testing tool that can’t flatter you, running on machines nobody can take away from you.

Rest in peace, Optimize. We’ll take it from here.

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